Today, I would prefer to find a way to shut out the world, my feelings, my heart, how my body feels – to find a way back into complete numbness. I actually said “OUT LOUD” how grateful I am for the mind and all of its distractions. I am grateful that it protects me from myself and all the stuff that is going on inside and some days I really don’t want to be aware. Awareness is exhausting, meditation is exhausting, thoughts come and go and I am meandering around in my head and my heart trying to stay in the moment and I feel it, and it hurts and most times it’s hard. Sometimes I feel like it will never end and that I have unconsciously opened up the flood gates to something I didn’t even know existed inside of me. I am here now and apparently there is no turning back!!
So the tricky thing for me is the feeling, the overwhelming perfectly intense emotions linked to some trauma that I can’t remember. It’s linked to a past and a mother that the trauma itself managed to rob me of any lucid moments of happiness. Sometimes I feel my heart breaking in two, like physically tearing apart and I know the feeling, I remember the feeling but I don’t know the memory that is associated with the feeling. I know I am supposed to hurt and to be sad because everyone else was doing it but I guess I didn’t really understand and as quickly as the door opened it closed as well, and every one moved on. I feel like I am a little stuck in that moment from 45 years ago and I feel like I know the exact moment that the mind grabbed on to all of my being and wrapped me in a shroud of darkness!!
This is the theme of my healing on any given day; however, the opposite can also occur. Joy!! And thank goodness for JOY!!
The joy of mediation!!
The peace, the calm, the surrender and the moments that I am aware of the deep connectedness between me and my mother despite the mind. The moments when I am in a deep meditative yoga pose and I have that feeling like someone is there with me or I feel a flash of love that comes from deep inside and again I know what it is but there is no picture to go with the feeling and that is okay. I believe that the time I take to practice mediation and yoga is the time I take to not only nurture me as an adult but me as a child as well. I allow myself to just sit and be with me, all of me, the past me and the present me who are one and the same. Sometimes its smooth, sometime it’s unsettled, sometimes I am smiling and sometimes I am crying but whatever it is in the moment that I have set out for me to be still is raw and honest and brings me a peace I didn’t even know could be. I have learned to breath and that breathe has become my anchor even when I am not in meditation. I have learned to feel the clothes on my body and I have learned to taste the food that nourishes my body. I have slowed down. I ask questions, like the infamous “who am I” and I am better prepared to accept now and be fully aware more often.
Every meditation practice that I give to myself comes with the honor of learning as if each time is the first time.
i have been writing on and off for many years. i can still remember the first piece i ever wrote back when i was 14 years old. it was the moment i realized how much freedom i really had. while everything else in my world was chaos, the writing was not. the writing was my way to connect to my soul and my heart. the writing was a profound release of my emotions that otherwise might have lead me to a much darker place. the writing was my grounding, my calm, and my peace while i was trying to make sense of everything. since that first piece 37 years ago i have kept a daily journal, written poems and many songs.